Focus on the Frog, Not the Mud
When my son Zach was 9, he ran up to me in the kitchen very excited. Grasped in his two small hands was a big frog. A frog he could barely hold. A Rochester, MN, Midwest, big frog. He couldn’t wait to share it with me and share his excitement with me. After all, I’m his dad. His buddy, protector, hero. My eyes QUICKLY, immediately, looked right beyond excited Zachy and noticed the muddy shoe prints on the kitchen floor. Screaming, I ordered Zach out of the house to get “those damn shoes off!” “Don’t you see all this mud?”
I was a dick. I want you to learn from my bad parenting moment and provide you a framework that will ensure you ALWAYS keep the relationships first and the housekeeping a distant second.
SEE THE FROG, NOT THE MUD
When a young loved one comes to you with something that’s exciting to them, instantly make it important to you. If you don’t, they will eventually stop coming to you. You’ll end up in a therapist’s office asking “why don’t I have a relationship with my teenager?” When you ask your teen how was their day, you’re going to get a bland ‘fine’. And you’ll wonder why. Well, you’ve made their mess (or mistake) more important than their discovery (or dreams).
“Zach! Oh my gosh, that’s a great frog. Where did you find him? What’s his name? Is he hungry? Does he have a family? Should we lick him? Adult life can be a bit bland. What a wonderful break and opportunity to love life again by joining him in the excitement of capturing a live, wild frog. Instead, I made him cry. What was going on in my mind, my day, my life, that have me no margin to allow a little mud to get dragged into the kitchen? It can be cleaned. And after I have a wonderful time with my son, I can mention the mud. “Hey pal, your frog is great, and they love mud. That’s probably some mud from his neighborhood on our kitchen floor. How about we clean that up before your mom gets home.” Now I can continue to enjoy Zach, while he learns and helps me clean up the mud.
WHEN DID MILK BECOME AN EXPLOSIVE?
My house growing up was not always a safe place to make mistakes. With 5 kids in the house, my parents didn’t always handle the stresses which accompany such responsibilities in the most optimal of manners. For example, 7 people around the dinner table, reaching for food, taking up space, sometimes a glass of milk would get tipped over. Dad would lose his shit!! He’d pop up out of his chair (of course at the head of the table), shoot me a look that implies he wished I was older, more mature, less of a klutz. Basically, I internalized that look and any words accompanying it as “I’m a piece of shit, and my dad wishes I was anybody else other than myself”.
We all know when you don’t properly deal with the stressors in your life, the pressure will build and eventually come out sideways. My dad probably didn’t set out to be that type of parent. I certainly am not proud of the times I focused on mud and not frogs. It’s up to us, the adults, to deal with our shit. Otherwise, we’re going to lose it, all over our kids.
There are dozens of skills, techniques, and frameworks that can help you build more emotional margin into your day and life. If you feel you are not engaging with your children the way you THOUGHT you would when you had them, let’s talk. You’re not a monster! These are just life, parenting, relationship skills nobody has taught to you.
Kids don’t come with a user’s manual. Fortunately, anybody can learn how to grow, repair, build, and enjoy relationships.