A Playlist For Men to Listen Better

Audio illustrations of the stages of every romantic relationship

It’s not all rainbows and fireworks. Two people in a relationship will flow up, down, left, right. You won’t always be fully synced up on opinions, attitudes, priorities, everything. My wife and I use music A LOT to adjust our moods and change the focus of our brains. After working with clients in various degree of crisis, we need to be deliberate and specific so that we can enjoy our own lives. Over time, I’ve notices many of the songs I listen to convey insight into ways for me to relate to Cindy, and you to your partner. At any given point in time, we have been in one of these stages described below. These songs help me remember what is important when, in that moment, all I see is what’s wrong with her, me, us, the world, all of it.

I sat out to create a play list that would contain a song for all the various stages one might find themselves in. it starts where I meet most of my clients….in a dark place. Right off the bat, I’m asking lot of my client…..don’t lose your mind while she is losing hers. And we go from there, trying to work to the funnier stuff, while realizing there’s a real world we live in. I’m trying to get my clients out of fantasy and into reality about what it feels like to be in a healthy, committed, rewarding relationship.

Consider your relationship a wild rollercoaster. Knowing your safe, but a little scared is what makes it exciting.

As you review this playlist, focus on the narrative. Listen to the songs if you want to, but don’t get hung up on them. These are my songs. There is a universe of songs out there. If one, or all, of mine don’t do it for you, find one that does. The goal is to share the descriptions of the stages of every romantic relationship in a playful, unique, and enjoyable way. When you recognize what stage you are in, you’ll better navigate yourself and your partner into a more enjoyable one. Or you will extend the time you the enjoyable ones by doing what I suggest. Enjoy.

Stage 1: Venting and Support
Song: “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers

How many times does he repeat ‘and I know, I know, I know’? Don’t count. The real question is when your partner is angry, hurt and venting, are you man enough to stand in the fire? Let her list ALL the things making her mad, frustrated, disappointed and essentially ALMOST at her wits end.

Don’t fall into shame, guilt, or explanation. Don’t debate each or any point out loud or even in your head. This is NOT a debate or even a discussion right now. This is the time to prove to her you are a strong, unmovable mountain who can contain her energy. Ride it out.

Say things like: And what else, I remember that, you’re right, I am sorry, damn, yeah, and of course “I know, I know, I know”. You are NOT absorbing her energy! You’re simply watching it come up and out of her and into the universe. Always staying present! And remember to breathe, breath, breathe.

Stage 2: Recognition and Assurance
Song: “Monster” by Jacob Banks

She’s released her energy. Like trees that have swayed hard in the high winds, battered by rain. Now they stand tall, roots stronger because of the swaying. Clouds pass and the tree remains, providing

shelter for the plants and animals below them. You, too, now remind yourself, and her, how powerful you are. Power that comes from the ability to persevere, to be thankful for the wind and downpour. And in fact, THANKFUL she trusts you with her gale force passions, insecurities, hopes, and wants. She’s bringing it all to YOU. Not talking about you to others but bringing it to you…where it belongs.

You are present and unfazed by her ‘other side’. The side that has scared others away due to its intensity. You see it’s the intensity that also manifests in other parts of her life. You’ve overcome so much in life to this point. You are unstoppable and unshakeable, a bit of yelling, screaming, accusing, finger pointing, posturing, and crying is not going to remove you from this person you love and are building a life with. No way!

Stage 3: Rational Discussion
Song: “Unknown” by Jacob Banks

You’re a bottom-line guy. Are we ready to talk now? Really, talk. With her energy spent, her logic and heart is coming back on line. Does she still want you? I bet she does, now more than ever. She couldn’t scare you away. You’ve come farther than any other. Now that it’s all out, the two of you can separate the rhetoric from the real issues. If she still feels you are all bad, all worthless, all despair, you can take the truth.

And if she is holding on to only your mistakes, missteps, misadventures, then she really isn’t capable of knowing and growing with you. You are not co-dependent. You do have good boundaries and long-term goals with her. If she doesn’t know and see the full picture that is YOU, well you can move from fantasy into reality, if that’s the way this is going to go.

Stage 4: Emotional Intimacy and Affirmation
Song: “Silver Lining” by Jacob Banks

If you’re now both looking at each other in the eyes, feeling soft, safe, and willing to trust each other, now it’s your turn to tell her how much she means to you. This energy and emotion between you two NOW is the reason you’ve endured the gale and rain. Your strength is now shown and solidified, imperially measured and seen by both of you.

Now it’s your turn to share you words and feelings with her. Double down on your intentions and commitment to her. Tell her WHY she’s the one for you, a role nobody else can play. This is the soft, intimate, private, true you connecting to the REAL her. Holding her with strong arms in a gentle embrace. This is emotional intimacy, and it is a foundational component upon which so much can now be built upon.

Stage 5: Reflection and Resilience
Song: “Days Like This” by Van Morrison

Let’s be honest, we all have good days and bad days. When two people are sharing a life together, sometimes we collide a bit. It’s not all rainbows and fireworks. As your now back on some more stable footing, reflect on where you’ve been. Maybe we can recognize our own ‘crazy’, embrace it as a part of us. A side effect of life’s difficulties, fragility, and unpredictability.

Nothing worth having is simple or easy to maintain. If a long term relationship was the norm, we wouldn’t have divorce rates in the 40%-55% ranges for FIRST marriages. The number moves to 60%-70% for second marriages, and grows from there. So what you are doing is not easy. Give yourself some grace. You are a legacy changer! Your kids get to avoid the chronic adverse effects that children of divorce need to drag into their relationships. You are changing the family dynamics of future generations upward and higher. Hang in there.

Stage 6: Realistic Options and Considerations
Song: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon

Really, Darin? Really? Yep! Let’s be honest. You two MAY not be well matched. “Ride or Die” is a great motto, but one often not rooted in reality. Every freeway needs exits, or at least rest stops. Co-dependence is a common, hidden, and painful vapor that floats around almost all of us who are in relationships. We want to be aware, but not impressed, by it’s impact on or decision making process. And, hand on heart, being in a relationship is a DECISION we made through out our long term relationships. Conscientious uncoupling is better than the ending of Thema and Louise.

Having said all that, if you have children together, let’s breath for a minute. When it’s just two of you, well you only need to consider what’s best for the two of you. Your commitment to your children as a father should be ADDED to the desire you have to make your relationship work and survive the tough times. You have the opportunity to model to your children what maybe wasn’t modeled to you. Take a second look around and see if there is anything, ANYTHING else you can try before calling it quits. Because here’s an obvious truth so many of my clients don’t realize when they are blinded by their conflict with their partner; if you break up, you STILL have to deal with your partner/the parent to your children. And now you get to try and be pleasant and amicable with the addition of new relationships, separate households, doubled expenses, and all those in-laws are still going to be around for birthdays, soccer games, school recitals, proms, funerals and weddings. Do you still really want to hop on that bus, Gus?

Stage 7: Commitment and Enjoyment
Song: “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealers Wheel

Well, good for you. You’re willing to stick it out a bit longer. Great. Day to day life can be a grind, routine, grey, and anything but romantic and sexy. But we are together, and that’s fun. Let’s decide to make the best of it. Dishes, laundry, commute, lousy bosses, PTA meetings, bills… Let’s keep the Long Game in mind. Much of our energy is going into the kids and our partner. We are becoming less self-focused, and finding the joy in the victories of others.

We are choosing to bloom where we are planted. We don’t take things as personal as we used to. It’s just Clowns and Jokers all around us. Enjoy the circus, the rollercoaster, the setbacks, sleepless nights, and burnt toast. We are in this together, something bigger than ourselves. Maybe this IS a ride or die relationship?

Stage 8: Contentment and Appreciation
Song “Easy” by Commodores

We live for the small things. A slow roll out of bed on a Sunday morning. A quiet cup of coffee, cuddles on the couch, overcoming difficult homework, and the slow pay down of debt and mortgages. We are growing and learning and living, loving, and enjoying our place in life, the world WE have created, together. Lionel is reminding us to slow down, breath, reflect, focus on what you have and let go of what you don’t. This is what contentment and appreciation feels like. Hope you like it.

Stage 9: Deepening Romance and Passion
Song: “Secret Garden” by Bruce Springsteen

Romance and passion grown slowly, deliberately, consistently will surprise you in its depth and beauty. When we stop trying, we start seeing our partner. They become the beacon and focus of intimacy solidified by thousands of small gestures, smiles, forgivenesses, thank yous, and favors. You’ve been there for her, without being asked. She appreciates you, she understands what you’ve been doing for her by just being there everyday, in and out.

And now she wants to share something very personal with you. She wants to give herself to you in a way that’s open, vulnerable, safe, exciting, passionate. Men want sex. Guess what? So do women, but they don’t start with the physical. The path to their body is through the emotional

experiences, the spiritual connection between you two, the safety of your thoughts, and the stability you have provided to her. She now wants to give ALL of herself to you, and she wants you to ENJOY her, explore her, discover her, hold her, open her, experience her. Take your time, this is what you’ve wanted.

Stage 10: Playful Exploration
Song: “Want You Bad” by Offspring

Yes, quite a transition! I mentioned women want sex too. If you build that fire slowly, it could quickly overpower both of you…in the funniest of ways. Go wild together! Share with her your physicality, your manliness, your power, your endurance. Be a bit naughty, surprise each other, be playful. Enjoy each other in a way that will make George Takei blush. Oh my!

You know she’s strong and powerful herself. She can take whatever you have in mind. Nothing is off-limits, too far, or out of bounds. Did you know there’s an entire book in the Torah/Old Testament on the physical love you are now experiencing? Songs of Solomon is an erotic poem celebrating the bodies God gave us as yet one more way to enjoy and celebrate the intimacy and love found in a committed relationship. This is what it feels like when both of you are ‘all in’!

Stage 11: Loving Reinforcement
Song: “Still Loving You” by Scorpions

Phew! That was fun. Falling exhausted into each other’s arms, or just laying next to each other. Laughing, smiling, and breathing together. This is why we go through the storms, the sunshine, the banter, and the quiet, private moments. You’ve overcome the pride, the walls, and the things that can kill love. This is a reset. We didn’t give up.

We’ve fought for this by admitting our mistakes, taking responsibility for them, and sharing with our partner what we need and want from them. Our conversations are fair and balanced. You give feedback that is Specific, Kind, and Helpful. You have fewer ups and downs. Life is calmer, more predictable, and treasure you know defend against all marauders.

Stage 12: Spiritual Connection
Song: “Faith” by George Michael

Never neglect the Spiritual component of your relationship. Faith in yourself, your partner, and the relationship you’ve created. Constantly growing closer and deeper in love with each other with every layer you shed from the façade and representative we present to the world. As you share more of genuine and authentic self with your partner, and they continue to stick around and love you, you have more confidence in the love they are sending your way. You can KNOW they love YOU because you know they know the true you. Their love is not going to your representative, it’s coming right directly to the real you. You can have faith they are choosing YOU because you’re not hiding any parts of you.

Stage 13: Continuing Discovery and Joy
Song: “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate

A very smart woman named Cindy Finch has continually reminded me ‘there’s aways room for silly. That’s this song. Miracles, ecstasy, angels, and a sense of destiny, you open your life to this lovely creature you’re building a life with. She’s rescued from loneliness as if there was a higher power who knew what you needed and put this lovely creature into your life.

Now it’s your job, privilege, honor, and pleasure to figure out all her complexities, idiosyncrasies, joys, fears, goals and dreams. Never stop discovering what makes her smile and laugh.

It’s your life together! Live it together!